A human - Like an Instrument
Part 1 on Love and Relationships · Why it matters a lot with whom we get in touch
The dynamics in relationships are like having keys all over our body, that light up in different colours when pressed. Each has a different colour and its own tone. When two people meet, one makes the other light up in a unique way. A particular melody and light show only occurs between two particular humans.
The idea that people have fixed character traits is persistent, but no one behaves like a rigid structure. Everything in our body is in constant change, and our mental movements are changing even faster. In fact, one of the more difficult exercises is to keep the mind where your behind is.
Human contacts are an important engine for these changes because certain experiences are only possible through them. Or, as Max Raabe said: "I can’t kiss myself alone, babe … a kiss is just a game for two, ‘cause you really got to have another mouth." With every person we meet, we experience ourselves differently, and this has to do with how this person "plays" on us. Each encounter inspires a different expression.
Some people bring out the most beautiful colours in us while an orchestra plays the Ode to Joy. Others just honk clumsily and discordantly on us. Simple songs, long sonatas, individual notes, harmonic sounds, and clear lights, disturbing strobes - everything is possible. We do the same to others, just with our eyes, through mere presence, and of course, especially through speech and behaviour.
Energy Follows Attention
In the depths of our own memory, we have conscious and even more unconscious episodes and experiences that guide what we are capable of recognizing in the world. My theory is that in the moment of interaction, we bring out the very specific thing in the other that we currently need to understand. We can’t help but lead our attention to the point of our interest. At the same time, through our attention these qualities become stronger in the other. In that moment, one merges with the experience of light and sound, making the phenomena one's own.
In this context, don't forget to exercise your right to boycott! It works both ways. If someone in front of you seems to have nothing meaningful or beautiful to offer, don't press any of his keys! Move on! If someone "plays" you in a way you don't want to experience yourself, just murmur: "you’re mistaking me for someone else" and move on! Attention can be withdrawn. My motto is: "Excuse me, I am old. I will die very soon. I don't have time for this." It fosters understanding and is the truth.
Growing Through Love
Obviously, many encounters initiate learning and growth effects. This kind of learning through liking, is already a form of love. The openness, when one person intently gazes at another, hangs on their lips, takes in every word and gesture is already infatuation and simultaneously the quickest way to learn something new. Not always does the fader on the scale of love intensity go to 100%. Even 10% liking lowers our defenses and creates receptivity. The loving heart thus becomes a receiver. A cycle closes. Giving and taking become one.
Children don't learn "for life" long into puberty but for the love of their teachers. "Look what I did." "You did that beautifully. You're very good at this." Pedagogy that wants to do without loving eyes - and unfortunately, there are such brainiac approaches - must fail. Humans are wired to grow through each other. Direct one-on-one interaction is the turbo for total experience and maturation.
Parental love is hardwired. In the first years of life, mother and father stare at their baby like at a pot of milk on the fire. They so evoke reactions and experiences in the child. Thus it grows not only physically but matures mentally and emotionally.
Encounters retain this dynamic throughout life. Relationships with teachers and mentors work this way, as they do with stars and role models. We elevate ourselves by falling in love with we are a able to see . Their energy clicks into our system like a fitting puzzle piece. In the best case the other person also experiences themselves in ways they like to be. Love becomes a gain for both.
The intensity of feelings is indeed a measure of the importance of a relationship to oneself - not necessarily to the other! Defending oneself against unwelcome invitations for play and gaze attacks is an art of self-defense, especially when the admirer isn't politely socialised. In Europe's cultural code, we therefore value cautious distance in personal encounters. Attraction is a private matter as long as one hasn't received clear permission to play the instrument — after all it doesn't belong to you, does it?!
Wounds Heal Through Love
I once thought it was all about positive vibrations with all those we seek closeness to. Eventually, I noticed that we are drawn to some people even without the happy tunes. The song touches deeply, the colours are fascinating. We sense the other’s heart, and something about it feels eerily familiar, even if it does not smile. We press gently, and it resounds in a deep minor chord. Grief, fear, pain - such lights we can recognise and understand in others more easily than in ourselves. In these moments, healing compassion arises, and because compassion knows no separation, the healing occurs on both sides.
When I see the deep friendship of soldiers with shared war experiences - in Croatia, they are my age - I perceive this healing bond. They look at each other, a few words suffice. No one brings forth healing understanding like a brother in arms; because no one who hasn't experienced it has the same total experience of the unspeakable. These bonds can't break over some nitty gritty, and no distance in space and time weakens them. Veterans are each other's only solace until death.
The Discordant Music of Dislike
People we don't like, we sometimes can't simply ignore. Everyone knows those moments when one intensely engages with someone who is downright irritating. The list of negative traits is repeated hypnotically. You reliably spot them at a party among a hundred people and find yourself working through their lowest points again and again. Why not just be indifferent and walk by? I’ll give it away: The stronger the emotional reaction to an outside cue, the more it has to do with oneself - reliably and always.
The Important Role of Life Partners
If someone presses the green and pink lights on me every day for twenty years, I will become known as 'the Green-Pink One'. After many years, I identify with what my most important partner sees in me. Other relationships don't weigh as much. The eyes of the spouse become the defining measure. Does your partner know a variety of melodies or do they play the same old tune over and over? Do you like this version of yourself? Do you want to be this way?
Long-term and Short-term Relationships
Fellow humans who, due to their own merits, are inclined to see the good in us will help us develop our best sides. Their eyes almost expect our best performance in every situation. Good friends, teachers, and mentors press our keys in such a way that courage resounds where there was fear. Shyness turns into openness and joy. They laugh at our jokes, and everyone feels good. Where such goodwill and trust are mutual, lasting connections grow. It has the unconditional taste of love: You enjoy the presence and are happy about your mate doing well. Relationships where virtues are mutually fostered have good prospects of lasting over a long time.
There is the saying, that among true friends, you can be who you 'really' are. Friends are where you effortlessly come into your own power. Inversely: If someone talks about love without you feeling good, it's their love story, not yours. Move on!
Not every encounter is forever.
Business partners want to accomplish a specific task with us. They don't need to strive for variety. A chance acquaintance on a trip can brighten our mood and set us up for the day. That's also fine. Roommates accompany us for years day in, day out and then disappear forever. They were mirrors, teachers, healers - bearers of information that suited us well at that moment in life.
When Sympathy is Not Equally Large on Both Sides or Love Remains Completely Unrequited
Sometimes we fall in love with movie characters and thereby learn to be who we are. My openness to the entire being of Violet Crawley in the series 'Downton Abbey' knows no bounds. I study every expression of hers; she is my role model. When I get old I want to be exactly like her and no other way. Athletes mentally visualise how they achieve top performances - as part of their training. The brain doesn't care which dream it dreams. The experience is there.
Charlie Brown once stated: “Nothing can take the taste of peanut butter away like unrequited love.” We sure spontaneously do feel this way, but it doesn’t have to be like that at all: We can be in love and absorb the qualities of a person, even if they don't feel the same way. It’s possible, I tried and it worked: I can think of one particular man right now to whom I once felt very attracted and who is a dear friend today. Because I did not harass him with my wanting, he felt comfortable to stay in touch and we can still share good company. We do not talk frequently, but nevertheless the communication channel is open and I am allowed to ‘download’ his very unique virtues over a longer stretch of time. There's no need to be pushy or suffer if your attempts for contact go unanswered. There's plenty to enjoy if you just think about the person. Mutual interest is not at all a given. It happens quite often that sympathy is not reciprocated to the same extent. An open heart gifts itself because it loves - unconditionally and freely. The act of loving thus escapes ordinary logic.
The value of those people who give us their kind, loving attention and thus their life time, is immeasurable for our development. Sometimes it's just a word, a moment; sometimes it's faithful years. Being loved changes our experience of ourselves.
Be such a person for others.
At the end an experiment:
I suggest that, for one day, you deliberately focus only on what's meaningful and beautiful in the people you encounter — and ignore everything else. The old lady treats her dog so kindly. Can you see it? This should not become an exercise in pretense or hypocrisy. If someone seems utterly impossible in your eyes, don't give them a moment's attention. At the end of the week, take stock: What was the music like? How was the light show? How does your heart feel?
Let me know in the comments how it went!